I was taught the fear of God in my early days. That teaching has followed me through all the lanes of life. I always felt that God had a claim on me; and that I was in duty bound to render Him service, but was for a long time ignorant of the nature of that service, and thought all that God required of me, was to do no great evil, live without profaning His name, go to church, and read the Scriptures and [193] prayer book. But even those duties I put off from one day to another, saying, When I get settled in life I will attend to them. That time arrived; but then I was in public business, and tee cares of the world prevented me from rendering that service to God--imperfect as it was in itself.

      But I commenced going to meeting; and in a few years was elected deacon, and subsequently elder, in the church to which I was attached. Frequently was my heart affected by the truth of God's word; and I often promised to do better, but how to get about it, was the great point. In 1822, I went to a camp-meeting. When I saw the manner and understood the spirit of the devotions of those worshiping there, and compared them to what I had been accustomed to see amongst us, I concluded that either they or we were wrong. After that, at a certain time, while going into my barn, I was, as it were, arraigned in a moment at the bar of God, and it seemed to me that heaven was shut against me. This brought some serious thoughts to my mind. But soon it was suggested to me, that perhaps I was not so bad after all, being that I assisted to build the meeting house, support the preacher, and gave something to the poor. Here the devil wanted me to bring in an offset, in the shape of self-righteousness, against God. My convictions wore off again. [194]

      At another time, at a religious meeting, while on my knees, I seemed to see a beautiful sun, and by the side of it a crown; and it appeared as if it was for me, if I would strive for it. I became very serious, but lost the impression in a few days, by jesting. O how the devil will try to rob us of our convictions! But it pleased the good Lord to send affliction into my family, when three deaths ensued within one year. In 1824 I was severely afflicted with a fever. Conviction now took hold on me, and I saw my sins, which had spilled Christ's blood. I plainly saw if I should die in that condition, I would be lost forever. O how I mourned and promised the Lord to do better, if He would spare my life! but to my shame I must confess that I broke my vows. Keeping a public house, and having some hardened sinners to deal with, every day, I was not resolute enough to break through; and so I was kept under the chastening hand of God two years longer.

      One evening I read a German hymn which suited my case; and the Spirit of God took hold on me, and it appeared to me that this would be my last call. I proposed to my wife that we would pray, and we kneeled down and prayed. After this, we prayed at night, whenever we had no strangers. But this was going too far for my old master, and he suggested to my mind, that I had committed the unpardonable sin. I prayed, wept and read. I got [195] hold of a sermon on that subject, which gave me some encouragement. Next I was tempted to believe I must do as much good as I had done evil: then God would accept me. I tried that a while; but "when I would do good evil was present with me" (Romans 7:21), and it was frequently foremost. So I made no progress. After this I got almost in despair.

      I do not confide much in dreams; but I am constrained to think some of them are of God, to do us good. The Lord permitted me to have a dream in my despair, which did me much good. I thought I was on a vessel, and we fought with the crew of another ship, which soon after disappeared; whereupon I was told that I was in the Lord's ship. On awaking, I was much encouraged to think the Lord had not yet forsaken me. Self-righteousness again presented its worthless claims. And again I was prompted to believe that a man may be right, and not know it. But here was my error: I had not yet learned that "my own righteousness was but as filthy rags" (Isaiah 64:6), and relied only on Jesus Christ for my salvation. From this time I felt determined to try and get real religion, it might cost whatever sacrifice it would. I then read Alleine's Alarm to Unconverted Sinners. I found I needed faith--I had been rowing with but one oar, that of works; but now, by the help of God, I took hold of the other. When I took hold of both oars--faith and works--I got [196] along much better. So I came to the Saviour of sinners just as I was.

      It was in the month of September, 1826, under the prayer of one of God's servants, before preaching, while he lifted his voice to the Lord, my silent prayer seemed to reach heaven with his: and salvation came to my poor soul. The burden of my sins, which were many, was removed--my eyes were filled with tears, and my heart with joy and thankfulness to God for His unspeakable mercy. I went home like a new man, and believed if I would tell the people what God had done for my soul, every person would believe and turn to God. Soon I found there was something working within me, like the spirit of exhortation and a deep feeling for the salvation of my fellow-beings. But in the discharge of this part of my duties I am afraid I have been far too disobedient. May God forgive me.

      "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; and the knowledge of the holy is understanding."--Proverbs 9:10.

      Happy is the man that findeth wisdom. She is more precious than rubies. Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace."--Proverbs 3:13-17. [197]

[THW 193-197]