I was born in the early part of the present century. Deprived of a father in infancy, and of a pious mother at twelve years old, I was taken to rear up, at three years old, by a very wicked man, who had a pious wife, who was a mother to me in every sense that I needed a mother. She early taught me to fear God, and strictly to observe the Sabbath. I had several catechisms and half the Psalms (Rouse's version) committed to memory before I was ten years old; and often before I was that old, I felt deeply concerned about my soul. For several days at a time I would pray very earnestly, and then forget for a while--then try to make up the lost time, by praying double as much: and thus work out my salvation by a praying penance. Sometimes I thought I was a Christian.

      At fifteen years old, I met a school-mate, who was older than I was. He told me he had found an easy way to get to heaven: that Christ had died to save all men; and all would be saved; that now he could sin as much as he pleased, and it gave him no trouble. I was terribly shocked at his statement. He gave me Ballou's Treatise on the Atonement. I read, and tried to believe it. He then [133] gave me his Notes on the Parables. I read them through. The last one, on the Rich Man and Lazarus, left a doubt; but I was so far converted in one month, that I could commit sin with impunity, that previously I would have run from with horror. For four years, under this belief, I sinned with a high hand, and did much harm to others.

      The Lord laid me on a sick bed, and shook me over the hell I had laughed at. Oh! the distress I had, no tongue can tell. I cried for mercy, and promised, if God would only spare my life, I would devote my days to his service. Contrary to all expectations, I was raised up. I read the Afflicted Man's Companion, and a book called, Crook in the Lot. I prayed much, but was not willing, to bow to God's terms. A pious old man one day laid his hand on me, and said, "Jonathan, give your heart now to God." I felt it all through me. I resolved to seek in earnest. I spent many hours in the woods alone, in agony for sin. This distress continued for more than a year. I was tempted to deny there was a God, and to sell myself to the devil, soul and body. I wanted to be a secret Christian.

      I lived among very wicked people, and could not summon courage to come out on the Lord's side. A voice seemed to say, "Pray with your family." I had a wife--I was afraid to pray before her. I tried [134] for six months to raise courage to pray in her presence. At last I resolved to do it, if I should die in the attempt. I made the effort. In a moment all was peace.

      In a few months I joined the church, and went to the Lord's table, where I expected some divine manifestation to my soul, but came away disappointed. That night and the next day were spent in the greatest agony. I thought I had committed the unpardonable sin. Alarmed, I went to a dark solitary place in the woods, and fell prostrate upon the earth. Instantly I was in a transport of joy. All nature seemed changed. I walked home with a buoyant step. For weeks,

      I began to feel I was a favorite of heaven, and spiritual pride began to rise. The Saviour left me to my own strength--it soon failed. All was dark for weeks as before. I was humbled--God returned to my soul.

      From that to the present time, which is over thirty years, I have had clouds and sunshine alternately. There are two marks of Christian character which abide with me: Love to all who love Christ--and an ardent desire for the salvation of sinners. But if I ever reach heaven, it is because God made me willing in the day of His power.-- [135] Jesus Christ and Him crucified is all my hope.-- Sin has mixed with all I have done; and no one day of my life has been spent without sin enough to damn me, was it not for the mercy of God in Christ Jesus.

[THW 133-136]