The Spirit of God began to strive with me when I was but a child. Before twelve I had many deep convictions, and often secretly resolved to seek the Lord, but was soon overcome by the enticing things of this world. Thus I resisted my heavenly monitor till I was nearly eighteen, when my heart was effectually wrought upon to set about the earnest seeking of my soul's salvation. For three months I was in great distress, I saw my wicked condition, and was tempted sorely--sometimes to doubt the existence of God and the truth of His word, sometimes to believe in unconditional salvation, or to fear that I was foreordained to be eternally lost. I was often afraid to [78] read God's holy word, lest I happen on some passages I might conceive supported this belief, and should thereby be driven to despair. After this exercise of trouble, my mind was in some measure relieved, but I found no bright evidence of acceptance with God. Never being able to believe with all my heart that Christ would pardon my sins, I was afraid to believe, lest I should be deceived. I would have had the blessing; to precede instead of follow faith.--Still I firmly resolved to serve God. But, trusting too much in my own strength, the enemy of the soul gained many advantages over me.

      At the end of four years, I was again powerfully impressed that I was not prepared to meet God, and for several days agonized for mercy, when it pleased Him to answer my prayers, and soon the load of my guilt was gone. The Spirit of God bore witness with my spirit that I was a child of God. Now I could look upon death without fear. The peace and tranquility of that hour I am not able to describe.

      To this day I have tried to servo the Lord, and am determined to continue, hoping for the eternal victory. The following has always encouraged me: "Fear not, I am with thee; be not dismayed, for I am thy God" (Isaiah 41:10).

[THW 78-79]