In recollecting my first dawnings of spiritual life, I am reminded that from the very morning of my conscious existence, I was a subject of the Holy Spirit's work. I also believed "that God is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him" [Hebrews 11:6]. One splendid night I was particularly struck with the glory of the starry sky, and if I ever prayed earnestly for God to take me to heaven, it was then. This was at five years of age. I was a child of sorrowful spirit. At seven, when my mother, a praying woman, was one night talking to her children of the punishment of sin, it seemed that a voice said to me: "You will go to hell, " which caused me much anguish for many years, because I believed it. It is not strange therefore that I considered myself as "one alone" and hopelessly lost. I often wished myself a bird, cow, dog, or anything or person save my own [47] self. No matter how poor or wicked a person was, I thought if I were only he, I might be saved. I had a good home, but was willing to become a very beggar or scavenger all the days of my life to be any body else and to have a hope of salvation. The devil took advantage of my ignorance and handled me roughly.

      I had not then read Bunyan's "Man in the Iron Cage"; and it was well I had not. I secretly condemned wicked people, especially the young who might be saved and would not. I neither enjoyed life nor the world. The Sabbath, and especially the sound of the church bells, filled me with terror, and my Sabbath clothes were intolerable, by association stirring up my guilt and stinging me to the heart. I sat down one Sabbath to dinner, but thought I could read my guilt and sentence so clearly in the palms of my hands, that I had to retire without tasting the food. On the streets I carefully kept my eyes looking to the ground so as to avoid having any one look me in the face; for I felt certain that God had marked me somehow like Cain. All this while I was under ten years of age. Satan tempted me strongly to blaspheme; but I reasoned thus: I will not while I live; I shall have time enough for that in hell, and then I will do it. But I kept all to myself, though I was at times desperate. I do not [48] remember in all this of having much recourse to prayer. I presume I was too ignorant of its use.

      A notoriously wicked chimney sweep ("old John Elsey") was converted, which made much stir. He prophesied the near approach of the world's end, but said, all people could be converted before that. This was to me like "life from the dead" [Romans 11:15], and gave me hope. I attended his prayer-meetings awhile, but derived no benefit; the voice still haunted me.

      At twelve, I was taken from all regular religious opportunities, to go on the sea, with my father. He was a moral man (still living, and now the most amiable of Christians). I am told I once swore, when my father tied me to a mast, and put a ticket in my cap, "The Swearer." On the whole, I grew up comparatively moral, God following me everywhere. I once went ashore at Gainsbro', to hear "Billy Dawson," the famous Methodist, whose sermon on procrastination affected me deeply. I then prayed much and often--was at times very religious for a few weeks, and then fell away, as a gale subsides into a calm. I knew this was wrong, and expected signal punishment for it, and often examined my limbs, to be sure it had not begun to come in the shape of some disease.

      At last, a terrible storm in the German Ocean, and much suffering in consequence, were the immediate [49] means God used to bring me to "the knowledge of the truth" [1 Timothy 2:4]. I had traveled a hard road to it, but when the "set time" came, I had no trouble. My eldest sister and I were together, alone--alike deeply distressed, though this fact was not known to each other, and most remarkable, I had the same instant returned from a voyage! A few words between us opened the whole secret. We instantly knelt together think at the same chair--wept, prayed and agonized. I said, "Eliza, if we only believe, we shall be saved." The work was finished!--we believed instantly, and rose up to rejoice together. Blissful moment! We now lived for many weeks on the mount where it is good to be. I instantly began trying to do good, and prayed that God would make me a preacher. I made another short voyage or two, but God soon found means to cripple me and then to heal me, and then send me fishing for men. I was baptized, with my mother and two sisters, in May, 1836. The next year I went to college, for the ministry, having studied a few weeks with my pastor. Since that time my life has been as a dream. O that I had lived more efficiently to my Saviour's glory!

[THW 47-50]