'Twas the Week Before Christmas

‘Twas the week before Christmas, at the IAP Office at MUN
Maggie and Kaitlin thought the ATIPP requests were all done
They’d processed the final five with care
Praying no more would arrive for the year;

In 2018, they’d completed a hundred and seven
The pace and the pressure not once slackened
But surely, they thought, at this time of year
Surely, they thought, we need not fear

For twelve months, they’d reviewed, redacted, consulted
On thousands of documents in all forms recorded
Advised, revised, replied and deep sighed;
‘Bout requests for contracts and emails assorted

Now dreaming of a break from requests and requesters
From privacy complaints and advice from lawyers
They basked in the glow
Of Christmas lights and the snow
But little, but little, little did they know

From out of her office Rosemary rushed with a missive
A new request had arrived
It’s a big one, it’s massive
She set in to read, and they barely breathed
As the unwelcome ATIPP request she recited

“All emails and letters and minutes and notes
All drafts of reports and resolutions and votes
All pictures, invoices, proposals and contracts
All PowerPoints, charts, assessments and abstracts”

“Everything in Engineering, in the Library stored
Everything by the Provost, the President, and the Board
Everything by the Senate, I want everything explored”

“I want everything you have by the end of this year
All of the research on a subject so dear
I need to know, to understand
To comprehend the Jolly Man”

“How Santa’s sleigh can fly through the air
With nothing more than tiny reindeer
How he can cover the earth in just one night
And bring gifts to children, gifts just right?”

Maggie and Kaitlin, and Ellen, too
Pondered this request impossible to do
They called the Librarian and Research Vice-President
Please help us with this.
But they said, “The answer’s not evident.”

Our doctors, geologists, engineers, and economists
Our biologists and physicists and folklorists and chemists
Our archaeologists, historians, philosophers, and sociologists
Our linguists, geographers, mathematicians, and psychologists

Have sought the answer to this question, this puzzle for the ages
But only one person knows, only one person can tell us
And that is Santa himself, the jolly old elf
So tell your requester that at MUN no records exist

The response was sent to the requester so bold
That no records on the subject did the university hold
But told the applicant Merry Christmas and good wishes extolled
And suggested he consider
ATIPPing the North Pole

Happy Holidays from the IAP Office!