Anger Management

NOTE: Mood Management sessions are offered through the Counselling Centre (http://www.mun.ca/counselling/home/) each Friday from 12-1pm; please register by calling 864-8874.

Anger Management

Anger is a normal, human emotion. It is intense. Everyone gets angry and has a right to his / her anger. The trick is managing your anger effectively so that it will mobilize you to remain positive.
The first step in anger management is getting to know your anger by recognizing its symptoms. Answer the following questions honestly and you will be prepared to take the steps to manage your anger appropriately.

Do you...
...grit your teeth?
...get a headache?
...get sweaty palms?
...get dizzy?
...get red-faced?
...get a stomachache?

Do you...
...feel like running away?
...get depressed?
...feel guilt?
...feel resentment?
...become anxious?
...feel like lashing out?
Do You…
... cry / yell / scream
... use substances?
... get sarcastic?
... lose sense of humor?
... become abusive?
... withdraw?

Does your anger...
...last too long?
...become too intense?
...lead to aggression?
...impair relationships?
...interfere with major roles (parent, worker, student, etc.)?
...creep out in mysterious ways?
...contribute to physical problems?
...come too frequently?
...flare too quickly?

As the number of times that you answer "yes" to these questions rises the more important becomes the need to address your anger. Now that you have acknowledged any symptoms, perhaps it's time to work on your anger management skills! No matter how good you think you are at dealing with anger, there is always room for improvement!
Three main styles of addressing anger are stuffing, escalating and managing. Stuffing and Escalating are detrimental to well-being, but Managing ensures that anger becomes an accepted part of our lives and can be channeled in the right direction to improve our lives.

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Stuffing

Do you hide your anger?
Do you tend to avoid direct confrontation?
Are there times when you feel bad for getting angry?
Is it hard for you to admit when you’re angry?

If so, you may be considered a “Stuffer”
Some reasons why we "stuff" are:

Fear of hurting / offending someone
Fear of losing control
Fear of being disliked or rejected
Feeling it's inappropriate (not ok) to be angry
Feeling unable to cope with a strong and intense emotion
Fear of damaging / losing a relationship
It's a learned behavior (but it can be unlearned!)
Living in an unfamiliar environment, such as university

Consequences / Problems:

Anger comes out -- regardless
Impairs relationships
Compromises physical and mental health

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Escalating

Does your anger "escalate" to rage?

Do you try to control your emotions, but are unable to?
Do you blame and shame the provoker of your anger?

Does your anger sometimes lead to abusive situations?

If so, you may be “Escalating” your anger
Some reasons why we "escalate" are:

Feeling like there are no other choices of addressing the situation
Demonstrating an image of strength and/or power
Avoiding the underlying emotions
Fear of getting close to someone
It's a learned behavior (but it can be unlearned!).
Lack of appropriate communication skills

Consequences / Problems:

Desired results may be short-term
Possibility of physical destruction
Impairs relationships
Compromises physical and mental health
Legal ramifications

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Managing

Do you manage your anger?

Do you allow your anger to mobilize you in positive directions?

This is the pinnacle of dealing with anger. When you are able to manage anger effectively a heated discussion may produce positive results. Open, honest and direct expression is the most effective way of managing anger.

Example:

"I'm really working hard on managing my anger --
so . . . I need to talk to you. I feel angry when ....."

Easier said than done, huh? When expressing anger keep these important skills in mind...

Remind yourself that anger is a normal, human emotion-- it's OK to feel angry!
Before open, honest and direct expression, evaluate the following:

What was the trigger event?

Is this good timing for the listener?

Am I sure about how I feel?

Set a specific time limit for anger discussion.

Remember your body language:

Firm voice

Moderate tone
Maintain personal space

Establish an even eye level and make constant eye contact

Don't attack or blame the person

Focus on the specific behavior that triggered your anger

Avoid black and white thinking. ("You never…")

"I'd prefer that ..., then I would feel ..."

“It would be helpful if you could…”

Use "I" statements:

"I" feel angry when . . ."

"I" feel angry that . . . "

Avoid statements / actions that you'll regret later
Don't drag in old issues now

Check for possible compromises
After open, honest and direct expression, close the discussion, and then move on!
When it's over, pat yourself on the back for your assertiveness!
Remind yourself, “The situation will be better off in the long run!"
NOW say to yourself:

"By managing my anger I took an important step in improving my sense of well-being!"

Positive consequences of managing your anger include:

Increasing daily energy level
Develops effective communication skills
Strengthens relationships
Improves physical and mental health
Boosts self-esteem

Additional Effective Management Techniques:

1. Constructive (not destructive) methods / solutions / ideas

Trying physical outlets. (.g. exercise, housework, crafts, etc.)
Problem solving and coming up with action plans. (e.g. forming a neighborhood watch to combat vandalism.)

2. Involving an objective third party

Ask someone you trust to listen to the argument

3. The "third party" exercise.

Pretend you're sitting across from the person you're angry with and say what's on your mind.

4. Writing a letter to the target of your anger

You could describe your anger right now, at the time of the anger event or both. You can destroy it / you can save it / you can mail it at a later date.

5. Relaxation techniques.

Guided imagery
Self-help tapes
Music
Read a Book

6. Positive self-talk

"I am able to choose my anger style"
"I am angry but I'm not going to let it control me"
“I have control over my emotions”

7. Resolve anger through acceptance of triggers

learning to live with the fact that certain people and situations, past present & future, will not change
Make realistic expectations: What is one frustrating anger situation?

Can it really change as you'd like it to in the near future?

If not...
- Realize the powerlessness over the situation

- Give yourself a time limit to be angry, and then ... let it go!

- Remind yourself, "I cannot afford to stay angry”

- Ask yourself, “What's at stake here?"

- Recognize the need for forgiveness

- Focus on the present

Hopefully you will now be able to manage your anger better and keep a cool head in the most heated situations. It’s a tough job… but you can do it!